What David did, what David's done and what David is going to do.
Hey there, rock fans! Did y’all catch the Foo Fighters when they were in town last week? I’ll bet that you did. I’m sure you were interested in seeing what other people thought of the show, too, right?
Well, unless your review simply read “EPIC RAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,” then you were in for a world of cyber-hurt.
Piss-stained AC/DC shirt? CHECKITY-CHECK.
Personally, I found Milton’s review to be one of the funniest things I have read in the past five years at least. Even as someone who’s enjoyed the band at various points of their career, it’s quite easy to see through the hollow exterior of what can be a remarkably-bloated stadium-rock show. Of course I didn’t agree with all of it – I felt like Chris Crocker, yelling “leave Pat Smear alone!” – but that’s just the point. I still enjoyed it immensely. I don’t have such thin a skin that I can’t accept when someone has a differing opinion on a band I love. I was on a train recently with a friend when the topic of Silverchair came up, and they absolutely savaged them. They are a band that I love and were a huge part of my life for many years, but I knew immediately where they were coming from. It’s all about perspective.
Of course, try telling that to Foo Fighters fans.
Many came for the CB review, but even more stayed for the furious comment section. I obviously can’t reprint all of the greatest hits on offer – Everett True thankfully did that for me – but here are my top five.
I couldn’t believe it. “No way that’ll happen to me,” I thought. How very wrong I was. Some of the highlights of the comments on my review:
Before we go any further, I would just like to preface how I think it’s nothing short of a miracle that these people have learned how to read and write. It’s an inspiration to us all, really.
I want to take a look at how people respond to any form of criticism of what they enjoy, and the vitriol with which they do it. Particularly in the live setting, where they’ve clearly seen something so objectively perfect that no-one could possibly disagree.
Let’s start with one of my personal favourites:
“You must be a [insert pop star] fan!”
As if thinking W about X means you can’t think Y about Z. As if there is only one school of thought when it comes to enjoying music. As if merely holding a guitar makes music authentic and listenable. I’m so sick of this shit – I don’t think that there is any argument more antiquated. It was like that Grammys shit a few weeks back, where you were supposed to be either on Beck’s side or Beyoncé’s side. Fuck that noise! I’ve seen Beck live and I’ve seen Beyoncé live. Both were fantastic. You know what else? I’ve seen Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj, Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. They were all great. So were Metallica, Slipknot, U2 and Queens of the Stone Age. All massive shows for massively different audiences. At the end of the day, it comes down to whether you can put on a great show or not. If you can justify the lengths one goes to in an arena or stadium setting. Being a fan of a different style of music has no impact on how you review another. I don’t think my love of Animal Collective got in the way of me reviewing New Found Glory; nor did my love of Nas somehow impact my take on Angus & Julia Stone. The wider your appreciation of music is, the more you’re going to get out of a show.
“You’re a hipster!”
Snore. Trying to look cool by not liking ostensibly one of the daggiest bands in the world? Surely it’d be more hipster to be wearing an ironic Foo Fighters t-shirt or some shit. Also, we’re surely done with “hipster,” aren’t we? It needs a sabbatical. A permanent sabbatical. Next.
“I’d like to see you play live!”
I’ve still honestly never gotten this. Just because you can’t “do” something, doesn’t mean you can have an opinion on it? I can’t cook to save my life, but I know when something tastes bad. I’ve not been near a football since high school, but I know when someone’s made a bad move in a match. One can have a fully-comprehensive knowledge of what it is to do something without actually doing it themselves. Certainly, doing said thing would lend a certain knowledge – former football players on football commentary, etc. – but an opinion on something shouldn’t be disregarded out of hand purely because you’re not doing it on their level. Once, when I gave a mixed review of a Butterfly Effect show, a commenter wrote “Those that can’t do, review.” Not really, yeah? Let’s put this argument to bed. It’s completely irrelevant.
“Were you even at the show?!?”
Nah, I just have a really vivid imagination. *raspberry*
“You musn’t like any music! You must hate everything!”
Really? Really? On the account of having one take on one band out of the literally millions that exist in the ether? That’s a remarkable statement to make. You should probably get in on the next Olympics for the long-jump. I love this one a lot.
“Who even are you? You’re not famous like they are!”
Again with the whole long-jump thing. You’re the same kind of people that will leap onto any article about Kimye and call them dumb n-words that are devaluing society, and yet when someone goes after King Dave they’re suddenly not allowed to think negative thoughts? Give me a fucking break. Welcome to the troll café, where they dish it out but they can’t take it.
Cock-gobbler? “Hanging around gay bars?” “Daily fisting”? Exactly how does one’s sexuality impact on how they enjoy music? I don’t assume all straight people listen to Nickelback, so why the fuck is there still this notion that all gay people want to hear is fucking Celine Dion or the Village People or some ancient bullshit like that? I saw Judas Priest last weekend, and at one point Rob Halford pointed out that the band has been around for 41 years. Halford publicly came out as gay in 1998. That’s 17 out of 41 years that he’s been an out-gay man. The bullshit homophobia that surrounds rock, metal, punk and hardcore – the supposed “MAN’S” music – is probably what kept Halford in the closet for the other 24. Let’s also remember that Halford was 47 when he came out. Nearly his entire life spent hiding his true identity on account of the horrific nature of people like these commenters. If being a real man means sculling Woodstock tinnies while spitting on queers and putting away money for your third Southern Cross tattoo, you have no idea how grateful I am not to be a real man.
I refuse to be a “man.”
Fuck off, Foo Fighters fans.